He wasn’t sure how many days had passed. They all blurred into his collected thoughts. He only knew that it was now raining outside the castle window. The lights were dim in his room. He was seated on the bed holding the object in his hand. He was staring down at it. He been doing that for however long he had been in this room. He didn’t even remember walking into this room.

Everything had been silence since……

The only noise he had heard was the sound of the rain that was now coming down against the glass. His eyes didn’t leave the object that he was focused on. He thought maybe…just maybe if he focused on it long enough that something would happen. That…what happened would just go away.

This thing was magical right? Even though he had been in Equestria for so long he didn’t really understand magic all that well. So there was hope, a hope that he was clinging to with everything he had. What else could he do? He had been doing the bare minimum to keep himself afloat in this guest room.

He heard the knocking at the door. He didn’t answer. Maybe he was close to something and if he broke his focus on the thing in his hand it could break down what he had been doing. Another knock came to the door….then silence. Then the cricking of the door was heard. Still he just faced away on the bed not even giving the door a second thought.

“Anon…?” The voice called out. A familiar tone to his ears.

An answer wasn’t needed. He heard hoof falls against the wooden floor of the room. This pony was walking towards him. He remained still…remaining focused on the object in his hands. Even when they got next to him. He could see them in the corner of his eyes. It was….Luna. The Alicorn of the night. The starlight in her flowing mane always was a treat to look at…but, not in this moment. Those stars had lost their luster maybe it just was his mindset…or maybe the events of late had made her lights weaker.

“….You haven’t eaten in days.” She exclaimed. The concern on her face was easy enough to see. He didn’t need it. He just needed to focus. He could make things better. The thing in his hand always made things better at least when she…

“I am not hungry.” He finally spoke hoping those words would make her leave. She was distracting him.

“Even if you’re not you should still….” She was cut off quickly by him.

“Has Celestia eaten anything?” The question came out a little too sharp. Frustration was leaking through. He shouldn’t take it out on her. He knew that. He wasn’t sleeping much either.

Her brow furrowed as she stomped her hoof against the oak of the floor. “Even if she isn’t that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be.” Her expression softened again. “….It’s broken Anon. It can’t work…even if it did it only worked for…” This was the only time he lifted his eyes from the object in his hand. He just stared at her.

She bit back her words a hoof raised to his arm placing it gently upon him. She offered a weak smile. The only smile she could probably muster at a time like this. “We're holding a ceremony in a few days. Celestia has agree to be there and make sure everything goes well. I hope you will be there too.” Her words…caused both panic and anger within him.

How could they do this? There was still hope. He could fix it. He looked back down at the object in his hand completely closing her out again. Her eyes dropped, and she pulled her hoof back. She turned away from him and began walking to the door. She stopped herself in front of it. She knew she should say something but, couldn’t find the words.

“…I really think you should come. I really think…you should get out of this room.” That’s all she said. She walked out, closing the door behind her.

She was wrong. He knew she was wrong. All he needed to do was focus on this before the ceremony. He was going to prove them all wrong. He would fix this…and then somehow this thing would fix everything like it always did. He just needed….he just needed to focus. His grip on the object tighten. Why wasn’t it working? Why didn’t it fix itself? He had been taught since he got here that friendship had its own kind of magic. He needed that magic more than ever right now.

Nothing happened still. The room silence returned. Only the rain was heard as the wind whipped it against the window. Was everything he knew a lie? Was the magic that she taught him a lie? The magic they all taught him. A pretty little lie to make yourself feel better….that was the pain talking. He wanted something to blame.

The object in his hand. It was her crown. The crown she had…..It was split down the middle. The gemstone had been cracked and the golden band broken. He had been holding it since he picked it up back then. He just had to make it work. He knew if he just held out for a little longer just a few more days it would…do something right? He didn’t know what day it was.

How many days had he already been holding onto this broken thing, and praying some spark of magic would come off it? He needed magic. Magic could fix anything right? Even something like this. “Please…work. Please…..Please…..PLEASE.” He begged to the unseen force of magic that he thought ruled this world the only thing that answer back was the rain. The quiet rain against the glass and the howling wind that didn’t seem to give him any rest.

How he wished he could blame the rain for the tear drops that landed on the gemstone of the crown in that moment. Ooo how he wished the rain would stop and the silence would come back to him…so that the falling of his tears would leave as well.

He was walking. Just walking down the street with his head down. He didn’t need to make eye contact with anyone. He didn’t want any pony to talk to him. Celestia had come out of her room finally. She and Luna tag teamed him. Asking him to take a walk and get out of his room. Celestia had gone for a night fly herself. She said it helped her. Cleared the mind as she so elegantly spoke about it. Even though she had bags under her eyes from tears and lack of sleep.

He didn’t have the energy to fight them on this. A quick little walk around the block was all he had to do. Then he could get back to focusing. He still had time before the ceremony. He could still fix it. The thought made his pace quicken from a slow walk to a speed walk just trying to get this over with so he could go back to the room. It wasn’t just that though.

He wanted to stop hearing that annoying sound. These Canterlot ponies were laughing, smiling and even enjoying these fancy teas and cakes. What did they have any right to be happy about? There wasn’t any joy without….the thought was quickly dashed from his mind. He was going to fix it. That’s all that matters right now.

He was brushing past other ponies on the street with his large frame. He was more graceful then this usually. He had gotten used to walking on a street full of ponies from being here so long. Right now however, he didn’t care. He was getting odd looks and some pony even shouted at him to watch where he was going.

It was all white noise to him. He wanted to be back at the castle. This was more important then some stupid walk that wasn’t going to change anything. He stopped himself when he spotted something. Something in the window of the bakery he was about to pass. He slowly turned to it. It was just....a cupcake. A well-made cupcake with rainbow frosting.

He stared at it for a while. Probably longer then someone should. It triggered something deep within his mind. A memory.

It was back at Twilight’s castle. He had gotten a note from an excited pink pony. She had not seen Anon in a while and wanted to do something with him. The note asked him to meet her in the castle’s kitchen. He did as the note asked. He didn’t see the harm of it and he wasn’t doing much that day anyway.

When he got into the kitchen she was getting everything set up. She was a pink pony with a fluffy curly mane that you could really just fall asleep on. He had done that before by mistake once. It was like falling asleep on cotton candy. After setting out all they needed for what they were baking. She finally noticed him. She clapped her hooves together rushing up to him bouncing in place.

“ANON! Finally you’re here. We can start making my ultra-super mega awesome rainbow cupcakes.” The little ball of energy bounced in place at the idea.

This was Pinkie Pie. This was Ponyville’s own party planning pony. The pony you went to when you needed a party or just cheering up. She didn’t really have an off switch it was either full on or full off with her or that is at least how Anon saw her. Sometimes it was annoying but, it was hard to stay mad at her. She always found a way to make you smile even when you didn’t want too. Even if it was stupid joke, her excitement or just her being herself she just had that kind of effect on ponies and people.

“Why are we making cupcakes?” He arched an eyebrow at her. “Can’t you do this at the Sugarcube corner? Why do you need me?”

She gasped at him. “ANON! I can’t make my ultra-super mega awesome rainbow cupcakes without you and there is not enough room there.” She huffed narrowing her eyes at him.

“Alright alright calm down. What do we do first?” He asked.

She just smiled and bounced off back to the table. He joined her. They spent most of the afternoon doing this. She poured everything into mixing bowls and they both got to mixing things. Pinkie making a little bit of mess and Anon trying to be upset about it but, ending up laughing at the stupid face she was making as she mixed. They both pour the mixtures into the cupcake liners.

Watching her juggle eggs in the air then cracking them into the bowl was a sight to behold. She took care in making even the tiniest things seem so special.

They had to wait on each set of cupcakes to bake. Pinkie made that time fly by chatting with Anon. He couldn’t remember what they talked about. It wasn’t anything important. She asked him how he was doing. She made him laugh by cracking dumb jokes. He in turn crack some of his own. Her giggle was infectious.

They did a few dozen of these. They were just vanilla cupcakes with rainbow frosting. He had seen her make these before by herself. After she plated and finished the frosting the last cake and getting it all over her…and Anon. Anon was still confused by all of this. He didn’t see anything special unless she put something in when he didn’t notice.

He just looked down at her as she handed him one of the extra cupcakes. He looked it over still not seeing anything.

“Pinkie…what is so special about these cakes? I didn’t see ya put anything in them. There just vanilla cupcakes with normal frosting.” He was more curious than anything else.

In that moment at least in his own mind the light hit her face just right as she smiled. “Silly there special because I made them with you.”

The memory ended there. He was back on the street the noise of the day to day of the ponies around him filled his ears once more. He just stared again at the cupcake. He knew something in that moment. He knew a cupcake would never taste as sweet as the one he had that day.

The taste was bitter only having the slightest taste of apples mixed into it. Still he drank from the bottle. The numbing burn of alcohol was all he needed. Anything to escape the crushing feeling of today. He had a break down in the middle of the goddamn street after seeing a fucking cupcake. That thought caused him to pound the alcoholic apple cider harder.

Finally pulling the tip of the bottle out of his mouth he shook the taste that lingered. He stared down at the bottle. It was plastered with the flim flam brother’s logo on it. No wonder it tasted like shit. AJ would’ve been pissed that he was drinking this. That thought came across his mind then another much worse thought came. He would never taste her cider again.

Even if the other apples were around…it just wouldn’t taste the same without her. He remembered picking the apples with her. She complained that he always went a little slower than the others. He couldn’t kick the apples down himself. He had to do them by hand. He didn’t know if he had the strength to go back to the farm.

He wasn’t sure if he could look any of the apples in the eye….he was suppose too protect her after all. He stopped the thought with another bad taste of cider. That bitter taste pissed him off. He fuck’n chucked the bottle into the bushes of the castle courtyard as hard as he could. It didn’t make him feel better. He was staring down at the long drop from where he was sitting. His vision was getting a little blurry.

If he just leaned a little forward all of this would be…that thought was silenced by the voice from above. “Couldn’t sleep either huh?” It was a motherly soothing voice that he knew all too well.

Celestia flew downwards landing on the balcony. She was right beside him. She leaned her frame against the railing. Her eyes locked on him now. He didn’t answer. He didn’t even look at her. Just kept staring downwards. Closing his eyes to drown out everything. The sound of her voice once again stop that.

“I heard what happened on the street today. You know I am here if you want too….” He heard her but, not really. Those words tasted just as bitter as the drink he just had.

“I don’t need your help. I don’t want to talk about it.” The tone was cold towards her.

“I know this is a hard time for you but, we have to be there for each other.” She answered.

That sentiment pissed him off probably more than it should have.

“…” He didn’t answer he felt anything that left his lips right now would be soaked in venom. He just turned from her.

There was a long silence as Anon just stared down into that abyss below. Finding himself standing up on the railing on the balcony still looking down. Celestia turned her head to him. “Anon?” She asked.

There was still no answer from him. Why was he still alive? It should have been him. He was so….cowardly on that day. When they needed him most….he fuck’n froze.

“Anon. Please come down your scaring me.” She voiced.

“I should’ve done more. I was right there with them. I did so much with them over the time I have been here. They always rose to meet the challenge. I never really felt like I did much to help when things got serious but, they always thanked me for helping. Why couldn’t I have done something more?” He asked not really of her but, the world itself.

“Anon there was nothing you could have….”

“YES THERE WAS. I could've shielded one of them. I COULD'VE LET MY MEANINGLESS LIFE GO TO SAVE A PONY THAT HAD PUT THERE LIFE ON THE LINE EVERY TIME.” Shouting now at her.

He turned to her and in that moment his foot slipped against the railing his body went into a free fall. Celestia instantly went for him diving over the railing her hooves wrapping around his arms. Barely holding onto him. She gritted her teeth. Now hanging over the railing with him.

“ANON GRAB ONTO THE RAILING. I DON’T HAVE THE MAGIC OR STRENGTH TO PULL YOU UP.” She shouted down to him.

Anon just looked into her eyes. “Just….let me go. I can’t do this anymore…EVERYTHING reminds me of them. I know this pain in my chest won’t stop JUST…” He then felt something cold against his face. Droplets from her eyes. He stared at her. She was balling. The princess of the sun. A mare he never once seen really cry was now breaking down.

“Please….I don’t want to lose anyone else….please.” She begged him.

Anon just reached out gripping onto the railing trying to pull himself up as she pulled as well. He landed on his bottom on the balcony. She was sitting in front of him crying. He didn’t know what to say but, she leaned against his chest. “Please don’t die.” She begged again.

He found his arms wrapping around her body. A tight embrace was given to one of the most powerful creatures of this land. He rubbed through her fur as she cried. “I…I am sorry.” He found the words coming out of his mouth as the tears now flowed out from his own eyes.

She put her head on his shoulders and he hugged into her warm frame. Even her wings wrapped around his body. “I can’t lose anyone else Anon.” She uttered out weakly.

“I won’t go anywhere. I just…it hurts. Everything I love about this world was…attached to them in some way or another.” Spilling that out as he pulled back from the embrace wiping his eyes.

She looked at him sniffling some. “I am here for you…and you can be here for me. We have to try to heal. Please…will you come tomorrow we're holding the….” She couldn’t get the words out.

“I’ll….go.” He answered.

Her eyes sparkled for a moment. They stared into each other’s eyes. Anon soon found himself leaning into her. A kiss was shared. Maybe it was because of high emotions…maybe it had always been there but, they kissed. A soft kiss that turned deeper for a few seconds. The pain in Anon's heart felt just a little lighter in those seconds.

Celestia pulled back. She put a hoof over her lips. She just looked at him. “I…I am….” She shook her head. “We have a lot to do tomorrow.” She uttered turning her head out of shame. She quickly trotted to the door. Making her exit.

Anon found himself sitting on his bed after that. He was tired. He was real tired. He soon found himself drifting off into the realm of dreams.